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| Food will bring love to your heart. |
They say that the way into a man’s heart is through his stomach, and
that the best way to get into a woman’s pants is through her mouth! Ah, so food
has great romantic values. It is the essence of every relationship, and if you
are looking at a girl whose heart you want to win, food can fast forward your
dating past the boring stuff and straight into the bed stuff. Of course, what
every man does is to take her out to the fancy
restaurants and impress her with fine dining and seven course meals and
wine. But I’m going to tell you a secret. You can save yourself all that money
and thrill her with a meal in your bachelor pad. Women totally love men who can
cook. Pans will get you into her pants. Pots make her hot. Ahem, before I
offend women here, let me rephrase. The easiest way for a man to get a woman to
love him and be his wife is for him to cook for her a really good meal.
When you cook for a woman, the message you are sending is that you are
a sensitive fellow. That you will not overwork her with household chores. That every once in a while she will kick off her shoes, lounge on the sofa with
her legs on the coffee table, reading a newspaper or watching TV, while you fight with pots in the kitchen. It also means that you care for her, and
that you treat her like a good dish, that is, you will
be patient with her, take things slow, and you will not be interested
only in appetizers but want to go the whole way to the desert and the nap after the
meal.
The only problem is that most men do not know how to cook. Which is why
I’m writing this post. I will give you a few tips on how to make meals that
sound exotic, look romantic, and will make her believe you are the greatest
chef on earth. I guess a woman reading this can also pretend to be
a good cook to impress the man. So here are the dishes.
Tip. When you are telling the girl you will prepare her a meal, use
exotic and classy sounding names. Use words that are not common in the
area. For example, if you are in a place where they say spaghetti or macaroni,
tell her you will make her chowmein (which is how it’s called in many Asian
countries) or lasagna.
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| A man hawks grilled chicken at the roadside. Mabira, Uganda |
Shredded
chicken
This should be number one on the list. It’s a Chinese dish. It will
make the girl think you have class. Yet making it is so simple you will wonder
why you haven’t yet done it. In fact, you do not need to cook this one at all.
You can buy the rice from a restaurant and then get the grilled chicken from
the roadside, sneak into the kitchen when the girl isn’t watching and
perform the magic.
Ingredients.
1 roasted chicken
2 plates boiled rice
(one for you, one for the girl)
2 tomatoes
1 cucumber
2 carrots. Cabbages.
Soy sauce. Salad cream.
Method. Cut the grilled chicken into tiny shreds. Slice up the tomatoes,
cucumber, carrots and cabbages, and mix them with the chicken shreds
(basically, you are making salads). Pour salad cream on the stuff. Pour soy
sauce (a Chinese/East Asian thing) over the boiled rice, and serve! Man, I promise you, she will take off
her pants without you asking her to do it!
Tip: You can use the same trick to make sweet and sour fish. Simply buy
deep fried fish from the roadside, or stewed fish, and re-cook it, but this
time, add pineapples.
Jaulo
This is a Nepali dish. It is mostly made for sick people, but she doesn’t have
to know that. Just tell her this is a dish from a country called Nepal. Most women, being easily impressionable, will not bother to google and find
out the truth. They will want to believe you (just as they believe everything
you tell them until you make them really angry and then they will not believe
anything you say.) I like this dish because you do not have to do a lot of work
to have a meal. Basically, it’s like this; you dump all the ingredients into a
pressure cooker, wait for it to whistle three times, turn off the gas, and
bingo, you have a meal! What can be easier than that? But for those who
love recipes, here are the guidelines: D
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| A roadside chef (in apron). He must have many wives! |
Ingredients:
1 cup of Rice
1 cup of lentils (or
peas, or beans, or any seeds)
1 onion
3 ripe tomatoes
2 table spoons of
ghee
8 Irish potatoes (ha, that is the small type, not
the sweet potatoes. Many people are often surprised when they hear Ugandans
calling potatoes Irish. I wonder how it started, but well, that’s how we differentiate
between the small, tasteless potatoes and the big sweet ones here in Uganda.)
Method: Throw the ghee onto a pan. Cut up the onions and dump them
into the hot ghee. Let it turn golden brown. Pour in squashed tomatoes (Just
put the tomatoes in a bowl, squash them with your fingers). Wait until it has
cooked into a paste. Dump in the sliced potatoes, the lentils, and the rice.
Add appropriate amount of water. A cup should be okay. Then wait for the cooker
to whistle three times, and bingo, you have your meal!
Eggy
plants
This one is my very own invention. I should get a copyright for it
before some chef out there steals it and claims he came up with it. There is
nothing easier to cook than egg plants, but these are really tasteless. So what
did I do? I added in eggs. Here is how.
Ingredients:
4 eggplants,
2 eggs
3 ripe tomatoes
1 onion
2 spoons of
vegetable oil
2 cups of boiled
rice
Method: First boil the rice. Do not bother with any fancy tricks. Put
it in a pressure cooker, wait for it to whistle three times, and there you are!
Boiled rice. Needless to say, the pressure cooker is a bachelor’s best friend.
If you do not have one, go buy it at once. Once you have the rice, now make the
eggy plants. Fry the onions in the vegetable oil until golden brown. Throw in
squashed tomatoes. The cut up the egg plants into tiny cubes and boil for about
ten minutes in a cup of water. When it has turned soft and purplish, throw in
the egg and stir. The egg will form a thick paste. You should have the meal
ready in less than fifteen minutes!
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| Many ways to make egg plants look exotic and sexy! This is Reiza's cooking. :-) And below is my cooking :-) |
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| Groundnut paste, ntula, carrots, boiled rice. Looks yummy! |
Stewed
sausages.
Another trick of mine. When I’m too lazy to grill or deep fry the
sausages, I stew them, often with egg plants, or cabbages, or beans, or some
kind of vegetable. They look exotic once served.
Ingredients.
1 cup fresh beans
(or peas, or any vegetables)
4 sausages
2 tomatoes
1 onion
Pineapples
50grams of butter
Method: Fry the onions in butter until golden brown. Squash the
tomatoes and add it to the onions. Add the beans (or peas, or vegetables). Slice
the pineapples into cubes and throw it in. Finally, add the sausages, which you
should slice into little round things to make them look different from normal
sausages. Serve with rice, or sweet potatoes, or ugali.
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| Sweet and sour fish at Great Chinese Wall Restaurant Kampala |
Honeyed
hot lemon
This one is not a meal, but a drink. It will knock her out, though it’s
a soft drink. There is nothing like the taste of honey and hot lemons on a
chilly night!
Ingredients:
½ lemon
1 litre of water
Honey
Method: Squeeze the lemon into the water and bring to boil. Pour into
glasses. Drop in honey until the color of the drink is dark, or as much as you
like!
Ginger
warmer
Another drink. Real sexy. Beats the hell out of offering her a soda, or
a beer, or even wine. Great for a chilly evening.
Ingredients:
½ lemon
1 slice of ginger
1 litre of water
Honey
Method: Crash the ginger and put it in water. Squeeze the lemon into
the water. Bring to boil. Pour into glasses. Drop in honey until the color of
the drink is dark, or as much as you like!
Okay, I better stop here, because I’m hungry, just thinking about these
things. I need to make supper, and someone is coming tomorrow. She is coming
tomorrow!
PS: I am a great cook, but when you are in a relationship with a master
chef like this Pinoy girl, man you have to stay away from the kitchen. She hardly ever lets me cook for her because I always forget to put in the salt, or I easily get
distracted and let the food gets burnt. But she says
she doesn’t care if a man can cook or not, what she really cares about is that
he should wash the dishes after she has cooked. Hmmm. Gender equality? But that
tip I’ll leave it for another blog.
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