In times of desperation, often we say ‘the first thing that comes up, I’ll go with that one.’ Whatever situation we are in, whether simply hunger. You’ve stayed too long without eating food, and not because you can’t afford to, but because you failed to get time to. And at the end of the day you say to yourself, ‘I’ll go to the restaurant, whatever food is available, I’ll eat it.’ Even if it is a dish you hate. Even if it is a dish that will make you blow up, even while you are trying to shade off that extra weight.
Or it might be something a little more heavy, like unemployment. And you pray to God for any job, even one as demeaning as cleaning toilets. Or something heavier like finding love, and you find yourself in increasingly desperate attempts to attract a partner – so much so that some women who are over forty, certain that they have lost all hope of ever getting a man, start calling themselves lesbians. Which is sad because they end up behaving in such a way that makes the larger public doubt the existence of real lesbians – that is those who have been in for so long and have never had emotional attachments to men.
Well, the desperation of men can be even more tragic than that of women. It is my theory that most men have homosexual tendencies in their teen years, while most women develop it as they grow really old without a male lover. But men turn to dolls, as I found out in this exciting documentary film, Guys and Dolls.
Okay, what I started out saying was that in such circumstances, we do end up entangling ourselves with the first angel that comes along to save us from whatever situation we are in.
Then, sooner, we discover a better angel is knocking at the door. Then what do you do? If you were that aging woman, who fell in love with the first ‘thing’ that came your way, because you thought it was your only hope, now if you are that woman and then you find yourself in the arms of the real angel. What do you do?
The first angel, the one who actually got you out of the mess you were in, but isn’t what your dreams say you are worth, will get terribly hurt if you dump it at that moment. Hoina? After all the efforts the angel put in to make you feel good, make you stop hating yourself and start seeing a brighter future, suddenly, you dump it! You say it is beneath your worth.
And off you run away with the new angel. Leaving a broken heart behind. A heart that truly loved you.
Well, that’s life and it sucks. And the thing is you can never know which one is the true angel, and which one isn’t. You can’t say, I’ll wait a little longer, because you don’t know of what you are waiting for will ever come along. Yet you shouldn’t go along with the first angel simply because you want to get over your personal failures and fears. That is the worse than cannibalism.